The Reality Slap Page 18

  Appendix 2

  MINDFULNESS OF THE BREATH

  This exercise is very useful for developing your mindfulness skills. (You can find it recorded on my MP3 The Reality Slap, which can be purchased from www.thehappinesstrap.com.) Before commencing, decide how long you are going to spend on this practice — twenty to thirty minutes is ideal, but you can do it for as long as you wish. (It’s generally a good idea to use a timer of some sort.)

  Find a quiet place, where you are free from any distractions such as pets, children and phone calls, and get yourself into a comfortable position, ideally sitting up in a chair or on a cushion. (Lying down is okay, but it’s very easy to fall asleep!) If you are sitting, then straighten your back and let your shoulders drop. Then close your eyes or fix them on a spot.

  For the next five or six breaths focus on emptying your lungs; push all the air out of your lungs and completely empty them. Pause for a second, then allow them to fill by themselves, from the bottom up.

  After five or six of these breaths, allow your breathing to find its own natural pace and rhythm; there is no need to control it.

  Your challenge for the rest of the exercise is to keep your attention on the breath; to observe it as if you are a curious child who has never encountered breathing before. As the air flows in and out of you, notice the different sensations you feel in your body.

  Notice what happens in your nostrils.

  Notice what happens in your shoulders.

  Notice what happens in your chest.

  Notice what happens in your abdomen.

  With openness and curiosity, track the movement of your breath as it flows through your body; follow the trail of sensations in your nose, shoulders, chest and abdomen.

  As you do this, let your mind chatter away like a radio in the background: don’t try to silence it, you’ll only make it louder. Simply let your mind chatter away and keep your attention on the breath.

  From time to time, your mind will hook you with a thought and pull you out of the exercise. This is normal and natural — and it will keep happening. (Indeed, you’re doing well if you last even ten seconds before it happens!)

  Once you realise you’ve been hooked, gently acknowledge it. Silently say to yourself, ‘Hooked’, or gently nod your head and refocus on your breath.

  This ‘hooking’ will happen again and again and again, and each time you unhook yourself and return your attention to the breath, you are building your ability to focus. So if your mind hooks you one thousand times, then one thousand times you return to the breath.

  As the exercise continues, the feelings and sensations in your body will change: you may notice pleasant ones, such as relaxation, calmness and peace, or uncomfortable ones, such as backache, frustration or anxiety. The aim is to allow your feelings to be as they are, regardless of whether they are painful or pleasant. Remember, this is not a relaxation technique. You are not trying to relax. It’s quite all right if you feel stressed, anxious, bored or impatient. Your aim is simply to allow your feelings to be as they are, without a struggle. So if a difficult feeling is present, silently name it: say to yourself, ‘Here’s boredom’ or ‘Here’s frustration’ or ‘Here’s anxiety’. Let it be and keep your attention on the breath.

  Continue in this way — observing the breath, acknowledging uncomfortable feelings, unhooking yourself from thoughts — until you reach the end of your allotted time. Then have a good stretch, engage with the world around you, and congratulate yourself on taking the time to practise this valuable life skill.

  Appendix 3

  VALUES CLARIFICATION

  This material is reproduced, with permission, from my book The Confidence Gap: From Fear to Freedom (Penguin Group Australia, Camberwell, Vic, 2010).

  A Quick Look At Your Values

  Values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave as a human being. Values are not about what you want to get or achieve; they are about how you want to behave or act on an ongoing basis.

  There are literally hundreds of different values, but below you’ll find a list of the most common ones. Probably, not all of them will be relevant to you. Keep in mind there are no such things as ‘right values’ or ‘wrong values’. It’s a bit like our taste in pizzas. If you prefer ham and pineapple but I prefer salami and olives, that doesn’t mean that my taste in pizza is right and yours is wrong. It just means we have different tastes. And similarly, we may have different values. So read through the list below and write a letter next to each value: V = Very important, Q = Quite important, and N = Not so important; and make sure to score at least ten of them as Very important.

  1. Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, life etc.

  2. Adventure: to be adventurous and actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences.

  3. Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want.

  4. Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, real — to be true to myself.

  5. Beauty: to appreciate, create, nurture or cultivate beauty in myself, others and the environment.

  6. Caring: to be caring towards myself, others and the environment.

  7. Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn and improve.

  8. Compassion: to act with kindness towards those who are suffering.

  9. Connection: to engage fully in whatever I am doing and be fully present with others.

  10. Contribution: to contribute, help, or make a positive difference to myself and others.

  11. Conformity: to be respectful and obedient of rules and obligations.

  12. Co-operation: to be co-operative and collaborative with others.

  13. Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty.

  14. Creativity: to be creative or innovative.

  15. Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded and interested; to explore and discover.

  16. Encouragement: to encourage and reward behaviour that I value in myself and others.

  17. Equality: to treat others as equal to myself and vice versa.

  18. Excitement: to seek, create and engage in activities that are exciting, stimulating or thrilling.

  19. Fairness: to be fair to myself and others.

  20. Fitness: to maintain or improve my fitness; to look after my physical and mental health and wellbeing.

  21. Flexibility: to adjust and adapt readily to changing circumstances.

  22. Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise.

  23. Friendliness: to be friendly, companionable, or agreeable towards others.

  24. Forgiveness: to be forgiving towards myself and others.

  25. Fun: to be fun-loving; to seek, create and engage in fun-filled activities.

  26. Generosity: to be generous, sharing and giving, to myself and others.

  27. Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others and life.

  28. Honesty: to be honest, truthful and sincere with myself and others.

  29. Humour: to see and appreciate the humorous side of life.

  30. Humility: to be humble or modest; to let my achievements speak for themselves.

  31. Industry: to be industrious, hard-working and dedicated.

  32. Independence: to be self-supportive and choose my own way of doing things.

  33. Intimacy: to open up, reveal and share myself emotionally or physically in my close personal relationships.

  34. Justice: to uphold justice and fairness.

  35. Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards myself and others.

  36. Love: to act lovingly or affectionately towards myself and others.

  37. Mindfulness: to be conscious of, open to, and curious about my here-and-now experience.

  38. Order: to be orderly and organised.

  39. Open-mindedness: to think things through, see things from others’ points
of view, and weigh evidence fairly.

  40. Patience: to wait calmly for what I want.

  41. Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties.

  42. Pleasure: to create and give pleasure to myself and others.

  43. Power: to strongly influence or wield authority over others (e.g. taking charge, leading, organising).

  44. Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking.

  45. Respect: to be respectful towards myself and others; to be polite, considerate and show positive regard.

  46. Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions.

  47. Romance: to be romantic; to display and express love or strong affection.

  48. Safety: to secure, protect or ensure the safety of myself and others.

  49. Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings and actions.

  50. Self-care: to look after my health and wellbeing, and get my needs met.

  51. Self-development: to keep growing, advancing or improving in knowledge, skills, character or life experience.

  52. Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals.

  53. Sensuality: to create, explore and enjoy experiences that stimulate the five senses.

  54. Sexuality: to explore or express my sexuality.

  55. Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself.

  56. Skilfulness: to continually practise and improve my skills, and apply myself fully when using them.

  57. Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful, encouraging and available to myself and others.

  58. Trust: to be trustworthy; to be loyal, faithful, sincere and reliable.

  59. Insert your own unlisted value here.

  60. Insert your own unlisted value here.

  ***

  Once you’ve marked each value as V, Q or N (Very, Quite, or Not so important), go through all the Vs and select the top six that are most important to you. Mark each one with a 6, to show it’s in your top six. Finally, write those six values out below, to remind yourself this is what you want to stand for as a human being.

  Appendix 4

  GOAL SETTING

  Effective goal setting is quite a skill and it does require a bit of practice to get the hang of it.

  The method that follows is adapted with permission from ‘The Weight Escape’ workshops and e-course created by Ann Bailey, Joe Ciarrochi and Russ Harris, © 2010. (Their book, The Weight Escape, will also be published by Penguin Books (Australia) in June 2012.) You can download a free pdf of this worksheet from the Free Resources page on www.thehappinesstrap.com.

  The Five-Step Plan for Goal Setting and Committed Action

  Step 1. Identify Your Guiding Values

  Identify the value or values that will underpin your course of action.

  Step 2. Set a SMART goal

  It’s not effective to set any old goal that springs to mind. Ideally, you want to set a SMART goal. Here’s what the acronym means:

  S= specific (Do not set a vague, fuzzy, or poorly defined goal such as, ‘I’ll be more loving’. Instead, be specific: ‘I’ll give my partner a good, long hug when I get home from work.’ In other words, specify what actions you will take.)

  M = meaningful (Make sure this goal is aligned with important values.)

  A = adaptive (Is this goal likely to improve your life in some way?)

  R = realistic (Make sure the goal is realistic for the resources you have available. Resources you may need could include: time, money, physical health, social support, knowledge and skills. If these resources are necessary but unavailable, you will need to change your goal to a more realistic one. The new goal might actually be to find the missing resources: to save the money, or develop the skills, or build the social network, or improve health, etc.)

  T = time-framed (Put a specific time frame on the goal: specify the day, date and time — as accurately as possible — that you will take the proposed actions.)

  Write your SMART goal here:

  Step 3. Identify Benefits

  Clarify for yourself, what would be the most positive outcome(s) of achieving your goal? (However, don’t start fantasising about how wonderful life will be after you achieve your goal; research shows that fantasising about the future actually reduces your chances of following through!) Write the benefits below:

  Step 4. Identify Obstacles

  Imagine the potential difficulties and obstacles that might stand in the way of you achieving your goals, and how you will deal with them if they arise. Consider:

  a) what are the possible internal difficulties (difficult thoughts and feelings, such as low motivation, self-doubt, distress, anger, hopelessness, insecurity, anxiety, etc.)?

  b) what are the possible external difficulties (things aside from thoughts and feelings that might stop you, e.g. lack of money, lack of time, lack of skills, personal conflicts with other people involved)?

  If internal difficulties arise in the form of thoughts and feelings, such as: ______________________________________________________________ then I will use the following mindfulness skills to unhook, make room and get present:

  If external difficulties arise, such as:

  then I will take the following steps to deal with them:

  Step 5. Make a Commitment

  Research shows that if you make a public commitment to your goal (i.e. if you state your goal to at least one other person), then you are far more likely to follow through on it. If you’re not willing to do this, then at the very least make a commitment to yourself. But if you really do want the best results, then be sure to make your commitment to somebody else.

  I commit to (write your values-guided SMART goal here):

  Now say your commitment out loud — ideally to someone else, but if not, to yourself.

  Other Helpful Tips For Goal Setting

  • Make a step-by-step plan: divide your goal into concrete, measurable and time-based sub-goals.

  • Tell other people about your goal and your ongoing progress: making a public declaration increases commitment.

  • Reward yourself for making progress in your goal: small rewards help push you on to major success. (A reward might be as simple as saying to yourself, ‘Well done! You made a start!’)

  • Record your progress: keep a journal, graph or drawing that plots your progress.

  Appendix 5

  ABA, RFT AND CHILD

  DEVELOPMENT

  In the field of autism and ‘special needs’ children, therapies derived from Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) have major advantages over other treatment methods. ABA’s main strengths include:

  a) clearly measurable outcomes

  b) the ability to be closely tailored to the needs of the individual

  c) strong foundations in the basic science of how humans learn from and interact with their world.

  As mentioned in Chapter 17, ABA programmes basically treat autism as a skills deficit. The autistic child typically has major deficits in most or all of the following areas: thinking skills, language/communication skills, play skills, social skills and attention skills. The therapists help the child to develop these skills by breaking them down into tiny simple steps, and practising them over and over, with massive amounts of encouragement and reward. The best researched and most widely disseminated ABA programme is the ‘Lovaas Program’. About 90 per cent of autistic children make significant improvements with this programme. Better still, 50 per cent of these children improve so much they reach normal intellectual and educational functioning, with an average or above-average IQ, and are indistinguishable from their peers to an outside observer.

  Not surprisingly then, ABA is considered best practice by those professionals who are committed to using evidence-based approaches. Indeed, in 2010, the American Academy of Pediatrics proclaimed ABA as the only treatment for autism with strong evidence to support its effectiveness. It is very sad that most governments in the world today
do not realise the enormous benefits to their country that would come from publicly funding ABA programmes. The one exception I know of is Canada. The Canadian government funds ABA for all autistic children up to age seven; on average, it costs the government half a million dollars per child, but it saves them about four million dollars in long-term health costs. You don’t need to be a mathematical genius to see the implications of these figures.

  However, ABA is not without its opponents and critics. Sadly, most of these people base their criticisms on what ABA used to be like forty years ago. I personally find this bizarre; imagine criticising the treatment of a modern-day doctor based on what her predecessors did forty years ago! The opponents of ABA seem to be unaware that the programmes have changed enormously over the decades, and they no longer resemble the programmes of yesteryear. In particular, they no longer include any use of ‘aversives’ (unpleasant stimuli to reduce unwanted behaviour) and the skills training is now often carried out in a naturalistic manner across many different environments (as opposed to keeping the child ‘glued’ to the table top).

  Nonetheless, some criticisms of ABA are fair; the undeniable truth is, despite its effectiveness, ABA has had its drawbacks. Until very recently, practitioners were unable to write programmes based on ABA principles that could effectively target theory of mind, inferential thought, perspective-taking, emotional aware ness, compassion and empathy; nor could they generate the extraordinary speed of language learning we see in normal children. All this has now changed with the development of RFT (Relational Frame Theory). RFT is a revolutionary theory of language and cognition, which is too complex to explain quickly and simply in an appendix. However, in the last twenty years, more than 180 articles on RFT have been published in top scientific journals: an impressive body of scientific evidence by any standard.